Sassy's Story
Sassy -
I have started her story three times and then deleted it. How do you find the right words for telling the stories of children in crisis? Sassy and I first met in our Centro de Paso (which is temporary emergency crisis care). All I knew about her and her sister was that in Honduras there are three stages for removing children from their homes, stage three being the worst and they were classified as stage three. The neglect was apparent in her baby sister who at eight months was unable to hold up her head, sit, crawl, or drink more than eight ounces a day. But, I wasn’t oblivious to the effects of trauma that manifested themselves differently in sweet Sassy. Her demeanor was not that of a three-year-old. I had been going to the Centro three days a week to help her baby sister with strengthening exercises and every time she had just sat on and quietly observed. I was sure to let her know that we were exercising together and how strong she was getting and that one day soon she would be able to sit and crawl. I maintained eye contact with her and smiled to let her know that her sister wasn’t in danger. She would smile back, but it always seemed more reflexive than genuine happiness. (Honestly, it looked like she was in pain) At the end of week two, I played with all the littles in care, like I usually do, and that was the first day I heard a real laugh out of our sassy girl. We were playing “ring around the rosie” and her belly laugh seemed to surprise not only myself but everyone around who began to join in on her contagious giggles.
That night her baby sister spiked a VERY high fever and ended up at our home for monitoring. My heart was breaking for Sassy because I was so afraid that she would be worried about her sister. Why did she leave for the doctors and not come back? Was she wondering if she was ever coming back? I asked the staff on multiple occasions how she was doing and they said she was doing okay and hadn’t asked about her. I still wonder why she hadn’t asked about her? Was that normal for her? Had she been left alone often with no explanations? Had she learned before that she wasn’t allowed to ask questions? We may never know and my heart breaks to think of possible reasons.
Almost a week into caring for her baby sister and Sassy became sick too. We ended up waiting to see the doctor together at our clinic. I could see from across the room that she was terrified, her chest rapidly going up and down as she picked at the tips of her fingers. I was holding her baby sister tightly as her little eyes met mine. I picked up baby Linda’s hand and waved to her, but she just stared empily at me. I handed little Linda over to Colin and made my way across the room. I got down to meet her eyes and asked how she was doing, but before she could answer the doctor said it was her turn. I could instantly see the tears welling up in her eyes. We tried everything to help her feel safe. As a last ditched effort, we brought her sister over to her. She did not seem affected by her presence, but baby Linda lit up in a way I had never seen when she realized it was her big sister. My momma bear instincts kicked in and I said, come here Sassy if you want I can pick you up and hold you. What do you think? (We were supposed to be more cautious since it was the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic, oh well/oops) I expected her to stare at me blankly, scream or at the very least say no, but she shook her head yes like I had read her mind. That was the night sassy decided she wanted to come home with us. (There was a plan for an eventual transition, but she chose us <3 )
I have heard and can attest to the fact that you can learn a lot by how children play “house”. Sassy’s favorite toy was her babydoll but she never seemed to actually interact with her. She would take her into our nursery and say, okay it’s time to sleep. No goodnights, no kisses, no diaper changes, nothing; she just laid her down to sleep and shut the door. She would remind us periodically that her baby was sleeping and would talk about her, but when we asked her if she wanted to go get her to play? she would say no, she is sleeping. Was this how she knew to care for babies because of how her sister was cared for? My mind always wanders, trying to piece together the why behind her behaviors.
(Day 1 with us)
As the weeks went by, I could see not only a physical change in Sassy; such as the fading of the dark circles under her eyes and the filling in of her cheeks but her whole personality changed. She was once described to me as the “one with the grumpy face” but her newfound laughter was infectious. Even more than that, she began to play with her baby. She would feed her, change her, give her a bath, make sure her clothes were always clean, put her in a sling to carry, and she would make sure the whole house gave her baby a kiss and hug, both before AND after naptime. (No exceptions, she’ll wait.)
If you or I both had all day, I would go into her hard days and how she has night terrors, likely from her past traumas or how it took her almost two months to trust that Colin was a safe person. There are certainly days when the pain of what has happened to them is too much to bear. Then there's the inevitability that they will leave us and it's like a punch to the gut, without a doubt it will be excruciating, but do you know what makes it worth it? The healing we get to see in her every day. Like how she runs to her Papi Colin every morning and jumps up into his arms to say good morning, or how she plays with her babydoll AND her baby sister, or how she now has the confidence in her homeschooling and isn’t afraid to make mistakes anymore because she knows that no matter what, we still love her and always will. (You know what's even better than that? Experiencing all of this times three!)
(Month 2 with us)
“I am not afraid to grieve. I’m afraid to know what would happen to these children if no one took the risk to love them” #fostercare #legacyofhopefoundation
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