This is my testimony and it's a bit long and involved, so bare with me.
My testimony is about how I made a shift in my life from being lukewarm in my faith and constantly questioning God, to acknowledging that He is a great and wonderful God and that I needn’t question him.
Now this story is going to require a little backlogging, so I hope you don't need a map to follow along.
It begins with my Grandmother, Jean Hope Irwin. My whole childhood I had been fed this idea that we were being brought up with the "Hope Legacy." Now to me, I didn't have much of an idea of what that even meant. I just loved the idea of being connected with my Grandma because I knew she was one of the strongest, God fearing women that I had ever met.
Fast forward to my middle school years. My Pop-Pop could no longer afford to live on his own, so we helped him pack his belongings and took him into our home with open arms.
Our home was very much planted on Christian values. I was raised (and sometimes forgotten in) our little red church nestled in Mt Nebo. When my Pop-Pop, who was the very definition of what my dad would call a "rough guy" (with his VERY anti-Christianity mindset, colorful language, and a few not so great habits), moved in, it was definitely a culture shock. But, he was my Pop-Pop and despite it all, I loved him dearly.
At the same time that my non-Bible loving Pop-Pop moved in, I began spending summers at my brother and sister-in-laws house because they had just had my niece and I LOVE babies. (Which is why I made a career out of it).
Now I'm one of nine kids, so I also love a full house. Which was perfect because my brother's in-laws lived with him too.They were like a second set of parents to me. When I was a wee tike, they used to take me to visit my brother when he lived on all the military bases. (Truth be told, they spoiled me rotten!!!) Buuuut they would probably have been considered a “rough crowd” too.
Now this was a little different for me. I had gone from a place of such comfort to being in the everyday lives of "rough crowded people.” However, they were MY people and I loved them with everything in me. Everyday I would pray: Dear Lord use me and my family to witness to Pop-Pop, Don, and Vic. Allow them to see you in each of us.
Fast forward to the end of my senior year of high school and through my freshman year of college. I was still spending summers and weekends at my brothers house and weekdays at home with my family and my Pop-Pop .... I wasn’t prepared for what would happen next, and it completely turned my world upside down. My "second mom" was diagnosed with a terminal cancer. This was gut-wrenching news, and just as I began to cope with that prognoses, my Pop-Pop’s health had taken a turn for the worse.
However, I was determined to be the the source of strength in my family for this difficult season. (I've been described as stubborn ... I know, not meeeee... ) So to occupy my time, I kicked my nannying gig up to a new level. I took over laundry, house cleaning, and most drop offs and pickups for my nieces’ ballot, soccer, and preschool. I did this, all while balancing my freshman year of college. When my family would come home and cry, I'd be their shoulder to cry on and also their source of laughter. I would not let anyone see a weakness in me. I wouldn't let anyone get close enough to see my weaknesses.
I still continued my daily prayer: “Please let them see You in me, and God use me and my family as a vessel to bring them to You.” At this point I added to my prayer, “Please show up because I am beginning to feel abandoned.”
My life was once again turned upside down when Vic lost her fight with cancer, but two days before she passed away, she accepted the Lord as her personal savior. During her funeral service, our pastor shared a sermon on God's unfailing love and how we are all forgiven because of His sacrifice.
No sooner than the service was over, we had to call hospice for my Pop-Pop. I was never really able to recover from my loss. I just went from one grieving season into the next.
Again, I was determined to be the strong shoulder to cry on. As I kept a brave face, I continued my daily prayer of “please let me and my family be a light for you so that Pop-Pop and Don may come to know you.” I still added, “God, please show up because I’m feeling abandoned.”
Once again, less than two months later, my Pop-Pop passed away. Two days before he took his last breath, he accepted the Lord as his personal savior. Again, our pastor used his funeral service as an opportunity to share the gospel.
Unfortunately, what seemed like as soon as his service ended, we had to call hospice back in because my "second dad's" health had taken a rapid turn for the worse. He was given two weeks to live. I prayed my daily prayer with desperation and urgency, “Please let me and my family be a light for you so that Don may come to know you.” I added with slight hesitation, for fear that my other prayers wouldn’t be the priority, “God, please show up because I feel completely abandoned”.
Three days later, Don passed away. Thankfully, the day before he passed, he accepted the Lord as his personal Savior. Again, our pastor used this time to share the gospel message. But this time was different. People began to stand up and speak about how they had heard this message again and again in the past few funeral services and how this message led them to accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior.
I started to see a pattern.
My God, He shows up. And he shows up in BIG ways.
About a month later, my God-fearing Grandma passed away, and I had a small ah-ha moment. I was mindlessly shuffling down what felt like the tenth receiving line that year, when I reached my Dad. As I hugged him, I finally broke down. After all my strength, after building all of my walls, I couldn’t bear the weight of the these losses any longer. While I snotted and sobbed all over his suit, I saw the legacy that his mom (my grandma) left. I was hugging my Dad, and I finally felt safe enough to let go of my pain. That’s when it dawned on me. This is just like when I come to my Heavenly Father. I can walk around him and still hold it together, but when I get close enough to hug him, I can’t help but give it all over to him.
It was a peace that surpasses all understanding. I knew of this peace because my Grandma taught my Dad, who taught me. This unequivocal faith and trust in God’s plan (which was shown to me over and over as my parents and grandparents lead by example) THAT is where the Hope Legacy comes from, and that’s when it finally began to resonate with me.
God not only used that string of losses to bring those I prayed over to Him, but also so many more than I even thought possible.
Looking back, I can see He used my pain to prepare me for what he hadn’t yet called me to do. I thought that we had suffered and grown enough and surely God would allow us to rest and recover, but he wasn't done molding me yet. I remember the exact moment when I finally gave into God and knew He had a purpose for me and a purpose for everything He does. All I had to do was trust in him because he had showed up every time before.
This moment occurred when I was sitting in the hospital after having received the call that my five-month old baby niece had just passed away. She was born with a heart defect and had been very ill with a fragile immune system which kept most of my family from being able to see her in person and hold her.
I was in the hospital to say my first hello ... and then my last goodbye.
Nothing could prepare me for the moment that I would wrap my arms tightly around and rock my lifeless niece. I knew that this moment was going to break me, in ways that I had never been broken before. As I sat there with this precious gift from God, rocking her and listening to the cries of the babies across the hall .. knowing all too well, I would never hear her cries or watch her grow into the spunky, little, red-headed, ginger snap I knew she would have been. I knew, then and there, that God showed up. ... because Why wasn't I broken? This is my baby niece! She didn't get to learn that I was her favorite. I never got to see her smile or hold her warm, pudgy, little hand... But there I sat, rocking her. With tears rolling down my face and my heart so filled with love and appreciation for the gift of her life and the legacy she left on people who had been touched by her story. In her few short months, I saw first hand how her story and my family's faith changed the lives of people who now sought out the love, grace, and hope of Jesus Christ. It became apparent that although she lost her fight... she wasn't abandoned, and neither was I. God showed up that day, in the hospital room of Jenna Jean Hope Landis, and in that moment I knew I would forever trust the plans that God had for me. When He knocked I would answer because he ALWAYS shows up.
That knock turned out to be marrying Colin Buffington and answering a call to missions with my sister’s foundation in Honduras, which conveniently is named “Legacy of Hope Foundation.”
I am caring for children who have been abandoned .... abandoned by their mothers, fathers, and family. I am here to remind them that although their earthly family has abandoned them, their Heavenly Father has not and will not ever abandon them. He uses our circumstances to transform our lives and build upon the gifts that he has given us. We mustn't forget the past faithfulness of God in the midst of our current adversities because He always shows up.
